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My Resume

  1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

  2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

  3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

  4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

  5. Then, I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme*.

  6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

  7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

  8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

  9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

  10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

  11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

  12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

  13. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian -- until I realized there was no future in it.

  14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

  15. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job. Man do I enjoy it!!!

* A plant of the mint family, with leaves used for seasoning. It is pronounced “time.”

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